Well tonight, we had a combined cell visit to The Chapel to check out the college social scene in UA! When we got there, we were instantly lost as to how to even get to the place! After a quest of many halls, we finally found ourselves smack in the middle of the college scene. I’ll admit, I feel a bit intimidated at first. The tribalism is there when I’m at an entirely new social scene, but the Lord freed me of it, and I was able to get some info from the college dudes before the teaching began. I met the pastor there and he said about 150 college dudes are concrete members. He says the average attendance is about 300 every thursday, which isn’t bad. I’m just thinking that seems kinda low for the gigantic church, The Chapel. A lot of college dudes go in and out he said.
The teaching started out pretty much how I was expecting it to. Plenty of singing to make your mind go numb! (No offense). I’m just not much of a gospel singer, which is odd because I love to sing. I guess I just find it irrelevant in the sense that I don’t much knowledge from it, or perhaps I just like sitting down the whole time, like at school. It does me some good to sing every once in a while, I guess. The teaching itsel was interesting to say in the least. It was odd. I couldn’t fully understand what the whole message was. He presented two options in choosing what we’d want to do. Painting this beautiful painting across an entire church (forgot the name of it), or helping the pastor paint his down-graded garage. I thought it would be much more serving to help him out with the garage rather then just wallowing in my self-brilliance in painting. He was trying to make a different point, in that we should strive to be able to paint the church, something that is beautiful, and it lasts forever. The garage would only last a couple more years. I guess it makes sense… I was thinking being a steward of Christ to others would be what we wanted to strive towards, not basking in the glory of our own creation, but I think he was trying to paint a picture for the beauty of heaven. What things will be like past this life, which is cool. The Word wasn’t heavily relied on, and it was serious throughout the whole teaching… No comic relief anywhere! It was pretty tough to sit through, but we did manage to sing a song at the end! They always brighten the mood! Haha… I’m such an evil mel! My sarcasm is going to ruin me one day! Haha.
An Absence of God’s Rest
Well after the whole shbeal with the chapel, we went around campus looking for the parties. We didn’t find many, and what we did they weren’t very partying. As much as I’d like to disagree with Keith, Akron is much of a partying campus. Not many college dudes are out and about. We headed over to Taco Hell to grab some grub and have a party of our own. It was a blast! I really love these dudes in our fellowship. I am truly blessed to be a part of this group of dudes who give a shit about me, even though it involves agitating me in every possible way. I gotta be grateful for that, though, because I’d be super uptight if they didn’t help me to loosen up, at least a little bit. When we got back to Kyle’s, I drove Greg back home and then headed home myself.
So, Greg pointed out to me something he noticed. He pointed out that it seems like I’ve been without Joy, without God’s rest. I gave my usual response to a deep and sensitive question. The “I don’t know, I don’t think so, possibly… I don’t know.” It’s really ambiguous and pointless to say because it’s very vague and passive. His point, though, is right. I’m not living in God’s rest; I’ve been living in confusion, isolation, and anger.
A couple of weeks ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. It was a very hard decision to make because my emotions made every attempt to cloud my judgment. I didn’t ‘guard my heart’ I willingly gave it away. It was a stupid decision. It became apparent to me that I royally fucked up with my relationship, and it had to end before I tied into her even more. The Lord gave me his strength and courage though, and we ended it. It was a relieving experience the next couple days, but over the weeks I feel lonely. It’s completely irrational because I have so many relationships that provide me with fruit and love.
Fallenness Sucks!
This past weekend, we went to look at a house in Kent. It was a real blast! The house had an enormous family room, which would be perfect for doing ministry, but it’s in Kent, and I’m going to Akron. When I told my parents we were looking at Kent too, they didn’t like it, at all. I got in a huge argument with them about it, trying to explain why Kent was a viable reason to be looking into, but they still thought Akron was the way to go all the way. It left me feeling confused about everything with college. I didn’t know what to major in anymore. I didn’t know who to trust in, my parents or Keith. I began to feel like I was being manipulated by others. I just wanted to start a ministry house; I didn’t care where or how. I felt like my thoughts and ideas had no purpose. I, honestly, felt like a drone, just doing what I’m told. I still feel a bit like that. I feel pushed, but I have no basis for my judgment. My emotions fuck up the truth. The devil has been playing his cards, and he’s been winning some hands.
I need prayers, our upcoming college ministry needs prayers for its direction. I’ve been working on my memory verses, and they’ve been helping a lot. I’m struggling with having a thankful heart, because gratitude is the difference between life and death for me… Read my Laws of Life Paper! It’s on one of these blogs! Thanks for reading guys. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ. They all play very significant roles in my life, and I could go on forever about how grateful I am. I really hope we get a ministry house this year, living with these guys is going to be one of the greatest experiences of my life; though, it’s going to suck ass all through it! Haha…
April 11th, 2008 at 7:37 am
It’s interesting to read your blog because I went to Akron, lived in a ministry house in Kent, and I’m a mel so I can relate to a lot of your thoughts and feelings. Oh, and my parents freaked out about everything I did at the beginning of college, even though I wasn’t doing anything “bad.”
It sounds like you’re playing a pawn when you really have your mind made up: “All I really want to do is live in a ministry house.” That’s a noble purpose, and it sounds like you’re seeking first the kingdom of God, so don’t worry too much about which city you’ll live in. I lived in three different cities while going to Akron (which is a commuter school, after all) and still got good grades, graduated, and got a job. And I still built relationships and grew spiritually.
I read a very true statement about mels recently: our feelings change slower than our minds. That’s why our feelings mess with us so much. We can reason through something and agree mentally, but our irrational feelings can’t be reasoned with. Measuring your emotions with the truth is essential for the mel. The emotions might not change right away, but at least they can’t control you as much.
April 11th, 2008 at 8:03 am
I found the teaching confusing also. I don’t agree with alot of what he was saying. The garage/ chapel analogy was problematic for me. At first I thought he was going to compare the world to the garage and God’s eternal kingdom to the Chapel. He didn’t and went on this weird rap that we need to do awesome things in this world. I also didn’t like how he basically argued for evangelism by good deeds- if we help these people they’ll just mysteriously want to know God.
Personally, I want to build my sistine chapel into something eternal like people! From an eternal perspective, what’s the difference between a 5 yr garage and a 500 year sistine chapel? Not much, eventually both crumble, but the people we love and build into will be right there in heaven forever. Like the bible says, we’re living stones - the components of God’s ultimate temple! Not even a megastructure could compare!
That said, I’m so glad I have you guys. You’re right Jeff- it is awesome to have friends that care about you. We’re all involved in loving, changing and sanctifying each other and that’s every eternal!
As for the ministry house debate- remember this Jeff- you’re facing some serious opposition here! Make no mistake about it, the devil is going at all you guys hard! Realize this and then make your decisions based on God’s will from a truth based perspective. Trust in him. I’d really be seeking his wisdom here, so you won’t just be bobbing around getting knocked back and forth by the waves. If you hold to his truth, you’ll be hard to push around.
I will say this on the Akron and Kent debate - you saw that Akron is a commuter campus. Kent is a hang out party school- there’s always people out. They’ll be people on your street in Kent every day and night to talk to. I’ve heard some say- well Akron makes sense practically because we’re all going to Akron. True, from a common sense world view. I’ve heard well outreach will want to come to our house in Akron if its close. I can’t argue that, but I will say that everyone I’ve ever met from AU wants to come down to kent to hang. Brooks’ buds used to do it all the time. In fact, all the engineers were pretty successful in bringing outreach back to KSU.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Hey Jeff it seems that you’re sifting through some deep crap right now. When I had dislocated my knee (everytime actually), all I thought about was the next day, which is when all the pain and suffering will be over, and I can heal up to start anew.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you need to stop dwelling in the present, but start thinking about the future, because that’s where you’ll be. You’ll have eveything sorted out and life will be good again.
About your issues of trust, the best thing you can do is trust the Lord and yourself. Do what’s right. Weigh pros and cons if you must.
I’ll pray for you and I hope you’ll soon be out of that situation brother.
April 12th, 2008 at 8:23 am
Jeff, thanks for sharing what you did… keep submitting your thoughts to Christ so they don’t get the best of you and so that your mellish deep insight and feeling can be turned to freely love people (which is a great blessing of the mel). By the way, i heard Katie Downs posted a great article on the mel… i haven’t read it yet but am headed that way..
April 13th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
peace out, mel brother–I’ll be praying for you & your parents
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:25 pm
thank you jeff for that wondeful comment! i feel very much encouraged and i feel bad for treating you badly, im sorry. its very cool to see, if you really were like me (lol) how spiritual you are now
well, thnks bro!