The trip to Florida is only a week away, and I am growing more and more impatient with waiting any longer. There’s been much turmoil running through my flesh. The battle between the flesh and the Spirit is ripe within my heart. I just want a break from this world system…
My Ungrateful Heart
“Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from this body of death?” Paul once said. It is a very honest and personal question. I am sure this verse was very heart-felt when he expressed it. It is a heart-pleading question of my own, but Paul is much wiser then I. He knows the truth about the Lord and his grace much more then I. That’s why he can reason with his feelings feel powerful feelings of joy, deep down to the heart. I, however, am still struggling much with this truth, “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.“
I struggle with accepting the fact that I am such a broken and fallen man. I find myself being obsessive over others. I often feel reluctant to share my feelings, even when I try my hardest to share them. My silent voice cries out but can’t be heard. If only I could mutter a word, express the way I feel or have been feeling. My pride makes every effort to forbid revealing the evil Darth Sidious inside me. I am not innocent, and no one else is to blame for my depression and heart-felt pains. The only thing is, all my bases for feeling sad or hurt are on trite and pointless things, when in reality I have so many blessings in my life. My greatest struggle is trusting in the Lord with my burdens and being confident in the Lord.
The Lord has given me the ultimate and eternal gift of grace. I have a very spiritually fulfilling life, yet I find myself once again feeling ungrateful and distraught. I struggle with accepting the truth that I am still an infantile creature, deeply fallen from my original purpose. It still manages to bring down me down. How much I just want to plea to God to free me of this evil heart, but then I realize the Lord is already doing that. I am just too impatient.
I just feel pretty insignificant right now. I want it to be time for Florida already. There are a lot of things I want, but it’s like how the song goes…
March 6th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Jeff, I think one mark of someone who is maturing spiritually, is that he has a deeper appreciation for how deeply fallen he is and how wonderful God’s grace really is. It sounds like you’re dealing with some of that. You’re so blessed to have a God who knows your sin so much better than you, yet who loves you more then you can ever imagine!
March 7th, 2008 at 11:27 am
you can and you will wait! See you in FL!
March 8th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
One less day to FL, :), but it’s still six days away,:( … How will you respond? What will you choose?
March 27th, 2008 at 8:06 am
im guessing at the end there u meant to say “You cant always get what you want”
am i right?
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:29 pm
its very cool to see you deal with this in a godly way. i will be praying that God will help you out in your venture to live as one under the Lord and as one who understands grace.